So it has been a year now. And before all these, it was just as if I was sleeping.
Then God leaned to take a closer look at my lying body.
He might have seen the unresolved exhaustion from the months, or maybe years of being awake. Not just awake – but of years of trying to joggle pressure, work, ministry, family, peers, responsibilities, extroversion, introversion, depression and the simple act of trying to conceal it and the act of trying to deny it’s existence in my youth.
AND because I haven’t been getting enough sleep.
Not because I don’t, but because I can’t. I just can’t. For reasons I don’t know what and has really bothered me greatly the past weeks.
He definitely must have seen all those suppressed emotions all bottled up with in me. And he didn’t like it. It probably wasn’t looking good for him. He probably shook his head and said, “Tsk tsk. This can’t go on forever, It’s probably time…”
So there. He pushed the Pause button in me (wherever it maybe hiding). Then put me to reset. I guess I can’t be reset immediately so I had to be paused first.
Or at least that’s the way I think about it. I mean, what do I know? Who am I to figure out what God had in mind that time? But that’s how I look at it.
Reset could have been nice. A lot of people choose to re-organize their life. A lot of them would go to solo, life changing trips or vacation with breath-taking, heart-stopping, jaw-dropping views above or below sea level and come back to their routine life deciding that their perspective in life have been widened or that there mind have been opened. Some would quit job and change career or take a second course or pursue further studies to have a sense of self-achievement or to finally accomplish their dream or purpose. Others would have to pay for supposed-to-be-extremely memorable, fun, and life-changing retreats or camp. While others, some people, would have to go through a failed relationship or commitment and realize something very important. I didn’t get to do my reset or re-organization of my life by choice though- I was forced to do it.
Reset of my life involved long moments in bed because it was getting harder and harder to just get up in the morning, just staring at the ceiling of my room realizing I can’t do a thing without getting bone-weary exhausted. It consisted of long, painful nights, bad dreams, numbness, disgusted appetite, and agonizing questions. It included liters of tears streaming from my eyes everyday with hard racing, confused mind. It also involved many hospital visits, doctor appointments, heroic, life-saving blood donors and transfusions, and doses of liquids that was enough to be considered as toxic but were known to be my cure.
It also came along with it painful moments with family members. Painful because it was hard for me to see them go through the process. It included fading friendships, new found, and rekindled ones. It included mental confrontations with people from my past just so I could express whatever anger or disappointment I felt towards them that they weren’t even aware of (at least in my mind I have already confronted them). And it also consisted of lonely days, alone in the room just sitting on the floor with a basin in front of me waiting for vomit to come out or sometimes doing it till there is nothing left in my stomach to throw up. And it largely included moments of watching my body change and sometimes looking in the mirror not recognizing the person I’m seeing.
It was exactly 2 months before July 18. July 18 was marked on my planner because it was supposed to be a milestone of a lifetime. It was supposed to be a mixed-emotion day, when I would feel butterflies in my stomach or maybe just the urge to poop out of anxiety.
Two months before July 18 is May 18. Right. On May 18, 2016, the words “So confirmed gyud, leukemia.” (“So it’s confirmed, it’s leukemia.”), came out from the doctor’s mouth.
Heart skipped a beat for the record. Terrifying. Sad. Confusing. Disappointing. Horrible. Unbelievable. What? Really? Sure? How? (the ‘why’ came out later). As in? I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. I don’t exactly know what I’m feeling. But my legs are trembling sure. My hands are shaking cold. I looked at Papa. It made things worst. I don’t want him hearing this. He’s not into medical things but he sure knows what leukemia is. He knows it means danger. Tried to take a deep breath. Hey! What was that?- something so tight in my chest it’s making me hard to breathe just one. Now I can’t breathe- I’ve been having a hard time breathing though. Trying to absorb all the things the doctor tells me, us. Concentrate. Listen! Whoah! So many things playing in my mind now. What should I do? What about July 18? Can I make it? Brain’s literally racing. Tears wanted to flow, but tried very best not to. There was no time for drama. Definitely no Take 2!
Another thing stuck- CHEMO STARTS NEXT WEEK. Okay. Wait, Let me just…… REALLY? Me? Leukemia? Fast. Super fast. Now? So it really is leukemia doc? It’s leukemia. LEUKEMIA! Cancer! B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, to be specific (DEEP, LONG, PAINFUL BREATH). What the hell did I got myself into?
Then Papa asks, can she go med school? Classes almost starts, in July 18. Suppose to be the first day of med school. No. Even after she recovers I don’t recommend it, says doctor. We’ll start chemo next week.
So I guess no classes to start with, yet. Or maybe never.
God, am I in a movie?