So you could say my reset process is dreadful.
And even I myself believe in that.
However, among all the many things I have learned in this journey is that you never really stay as low as where you are right now as long as you continue fighting for your life, searching for silver lining and believing as much as you can.
My reset process also came along with long and alone (not lonely) moments of watching the afternoon sky and breathing only pure fresh air without over thinking anything – especially responsibilities. It consisted of soaking the morning sun while watering home grown herbs and vegetables.
It also involved hand-picked moments of pure joy, laughter, and heartfelt talks with family members. It involved times like finally perfecting a pancake or spaghetti or maybe paksiw na isda. It included the times when all I have to think is cleaning our house and redecorating it. It also involved the time when all I could talk to and sing to is my dog whenever no one’s around the house, really fun! It also involved the time when I could finally cook breakfast that I really love for me and my family and spoil myself with my favorite fruits and smoothies. It involved the time when I finally, finally, had a good night’s sleep without the help of any pills or liquid. That type when you hit the bed at 9 pm and wake up at 5am, ALL. BY. MYSELF.
I like that I don’t have to feel any pressure to be strong in front of different people or to know anything about everything people are asking. I like that I don’t anymore feel obliged to attend to something or someone all the time. I like that I am no longer trapped in the boundaries of that small but terribly complicated and regimented life that took up so much of my time and to which I have poured so much of my passion but gave me so little in return. I like that all I have to think is how to be healthy. I like that I am allowed to be weak and helpless and love myself. And I like that I know I am not being selfish at all.
Before cancer, I am not used to getting help around, I used to give it, not get it. I’ve done many major decisions and moves alone before, and to be honest, I’m proud of it. My goal in the very first place was to become responsible, independent adult, someone able to stand with her own feet, and able to talk and walk for herself and her family. So imagine me being thrown into this pit of helplessness all of a sudden. I had no choice but to extend my arms and ask or receive help no matter how reluctant I was.
And I hated it. I hate that I am sick, that I pity myself and that others pity me. I hate that I can’t do the simple things I used to do alone. I hate that I lost my self-confidence. I literally saw my life shattered into pieces and no matter how I try to pick them up I can’t bring them back into one whole piece.
So, did I regret following Christ? No. This is part of my journey following Him. This is me denying myself and taking up my cross. Do I like what happened to me? NO! Who would? I still didn’t like it and I still think it was unfair, but there is nothing I can do but to accept it. It is something that I cannot change. The way I carry this load and the way I live the rest of my life- that I can certainly change.
I do not know how long I am going to live or whether or not my cancer would come back or if it comes back will I still survive it. If only I could take a peek at that mighty book of God where all my days are written, but I can’t. Even the fact that I am unemployed is never good at all. But this freedom is what I needed most.
Because of cancer, I have learned to look at life in ways I have never imagined before. I have learned to talk and confront God in ways I never thought I could. I got mad and thanked and praised Him at the same time. I have presented to Him my bare, naked mind and heart. There wasn’t much I could offer to Him- a tired body, weary heart, and a broken soul.
I learned that being honest with God, no matter how sweet or bitter you feel towards Him, is what God wants from you. He wants the genuine you. Believe it or not, it doesn’t make you less of a child of God or less of a human being.
Trust me when I say that God is not trying to teach you a lesson or punish you by allowing you to go through all these awful things that you are experiencing. Remember that God’s love doesn’t delight in evil. You go through what you go through and lessons will be learned along with it. I strongly believe that men are bound to grow through whatever they go through. What happens when it happens, happens. God’s ways are never predictable by the human mind.
August last year, I went into remission and I am now under maintenance treatment. No matter how I look at it, upside down inside out, no matter how bitter sweet I feel towards it, I still end up realizing it was all because of a mighty God. No matter how I try not to write or mention too much “God” in this series of blogs, I can’t help it. How could I not? How dare I not mention that He met all my needs in the lowest point of my life? It would be a shame for me to suppress the truth. Far be it for me.
I entered 2017 with nothing on my mind. The whole day of January 1 I kept thinking how I’m going to live day by day this year and the next and the next. I kept thinking about it that it felt like my head would soon explode . No plans and no expectations. All I wanted was to be healthy.
It’s hard to walk without knowing your destination. Especially on this earth, but it is times like these that I remind myself again that I have to walk by faith and not by sight.